Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
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🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus