We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
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If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.