HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine