HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
definitely did not do anything wrong
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.