HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
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Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Something Saturday.
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.