Something Saturday.
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9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
What the hell is going on?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
How to find Kentucky on a map
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
being a writer on Twitter:
why isn’t he texting back
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.