Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
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Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.