@DavidKinney

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

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@ianabramson

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

@valentinebaby82

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

@JimmerThatisAll

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

@thagr8short1

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

@RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

@warmyellowlight

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

@Fickle_Filly

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

@Reverend_Scott

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

@kiralc

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.