Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

A great tip. #CakeRex

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..