@DavidKinney

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

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@kidphonic

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

@Cheeseboy22

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

@Stellacopter

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

@5hael

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

@thedailymarker

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

@Elifcello

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

@illuminatedwndr

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

@RodLacroix

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

@RobDenBleyker

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.