If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*