If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.


The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.


Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
N: me too


I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.


Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?


A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.


agenda 4 today:
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin


Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.


[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now


if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.