If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
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My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
where do you see yourself in five years?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Me trying to “trust the process”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom