If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

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I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!


Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*


Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles


Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!


I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.


When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.


Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.


I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore


[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen


I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.