I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.