Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
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*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
i think we should see other cousins
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..