Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
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I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.