As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it