I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
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*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam