prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
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If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”