Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
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“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute