The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
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Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
DOOO EEEET
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?