Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.