4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow