Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
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if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?