Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.