Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
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Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
SPLOOT
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*