it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
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the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
When you’re Kinky but poor
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.