it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
