it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
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Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
oh u like geography? name every lake