Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
men, we mow at sunrise.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles