My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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Fiction has to make sense.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
A man of commitment.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Meat Cute
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.