*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?