ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
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[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I already tried new things thanks.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.