Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
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[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it