THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
wow he looks just like him
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child