Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
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Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY