Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
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Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
#catsoftwitter
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..