Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
You Might Also Like
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.