Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
looks legit
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Called it
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I wish all tests were things you peed on
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy