My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
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toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.![]()
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
lol
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thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.