My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Anime is real
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying