a wizard dating app called bumbledore
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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?