Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
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My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”