I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I’d love this…lol
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?