[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.