My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
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My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
hackers play passwordle
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.