GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
You Might Also Like
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
That de-escalated quickly
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄