*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you