Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?