One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*