A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
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whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Pikachu found the lost joint
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow