@StruggleDisplay

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

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@Amusitr0n

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

@noog

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

@metickleu

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

@CulturedRuffian

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

@Smug_Lemur

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

@NotthatAdamWest

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

@Pundamentalism

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

@AmberTozer

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

@djdarrellripley

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..