When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Stop sending me this shit.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.