I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon