You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.