I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
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May your day taste like creamy soup.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Not even remotely sorry.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!