ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
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Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.