My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires