Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
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Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Lmbo
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*