@SassyCanadian0

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

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@DavidWCochrane

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

@Thynebear

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

@behindyourback

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

@msdanifernandez

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

@ZiggyMcFuknuget

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

@causticbob

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

@TheCiscoKidder

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.