Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Go hard or stay average
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.