ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
You Might Also Like
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
getting old is fun
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.