@debramontroy 
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
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@debramontroy 
@IsaacDisdain “That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
@UberFacts Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
@TheAlexNevil Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
@Leslie_Annie Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
@AGStr8upNinja I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
@birbigs Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
@shanethevein The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
@OkieGirl405 My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
@Heldinchains My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.