@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

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@IsaacDisdain

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

@UberFacts

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

@TheAlexNevil

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

@Leslie_Annie

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

@AGStr8upNinja

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

@birbigs

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

@shanethevein

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

@OkieGirl405

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

@Heldinchains

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.