Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
You Might Also Like
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Pretty much. 🤣
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle