One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
#Thanos #MondayMood
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?